Sometimes bad sex happens to good people, but usually it’s not the end of the world, right? Well, there’s bad sex, and then there’s… BAD sex. Like, “I will never touch another human being ever again in my entire life, so help me God” sex. From unannounced periods and MIA gag reflexes to anal sex gone wrong, interrupting moms, wormy cat diarrhea, and broken penises (yes, you read those right), these ten sex stories kind of make us want to swear off doing the dirty ever again. Not everyone can be a total goddess in bed every single time, and these cringe-worthy, disgusting, and downright horrifying experiences prove it. We’re not sure who we feel more sorry for — the people telling these stories, or their unlucky partners? (Better them than us, that’s for sure.)
Note: Stories have been edited for clarity and grammar.
1. “My boyfriend wanted to go down on me while I was on my period — he insisted. Funny enough, he came back up gagging and then ran off to puke in my bathroom. Once he finally calmed down he claimed he swallowed a blot clot. It was thoroughly embarrassing and hilarious at the same time.”
2. “Last summer my husband and I were living with roommates who had a cat. We were drinking and started getting hot and heavy. He stripped down and jumped on the bed, then said something about it being wet and jumped back up. One of us had left our bedroom door cracked and the cat had gotten stuck in the room, and pooped all over our bed. Worse is that apparently this cat was sick with worms. My poor husband was covered in kitty diarrhea, blood and worms.”
3. “Once a girl I was seeing wanted me to use anal beads on her while we did it doggy style. I’m not really into butt stuff so I didn’t know what I was doing, but I went along with it. Since I was new to the whole thing, I didn’t know you’re supposed to pull them out SLOWLY. I pulled them out like I was rip-starting a lawn mower — the result? One screaming woman, one horizontal shit-fountain, one ruined bed, and one ended relationship.”
4. “I met a guy on eHarmony. After our second date, we went to his apartment to, basically, get drunk and have sex. He goes down on me and after a few minutes, I end up in excruciating pain. I look down and see blood everywhere. He bit off a piece of my f*cking vagina.”
5. “Long story short: Sex hurt for her, I wanted to stop, but she insisted I keep on going, I eventually completely refused, she said she felt bad and would finish me off with a blowjob but only if she could call me by her ex-boyfriend’s name. Was awkward.”
6. “He pulled it out to come on my face, I was unprepared and snorted his semen up my nose. We started making out and I sneezed his semen onto his own face. Probably grosser for him than for me, but not by much.”
7. “When I was in high school, I was giving my ex a blow job while he was playing video games. His mom then walked into his room to ask him about something and she could clearly see my head in his lap but my hair was covering my face and his manhood. I had to just stay there while she talked to him for at least five minutes; she must have just thought that I was laying on his lap… Mortifying.”
8. “I was going down on my boyfriend and he was getting really into it, grabbing my head and thrusting. The deep throat was getting to be way too much, so I pushed myself away from him and instantly began to throw up all over my lap, on the floor, and almost on his penis. My boyfriend just watched in horror, but he was quick and grabbed stuff to clean the mess up. He couldn’t even laugh about it for another hour or so, while I was practically in tears from laughing so hard.” Love this article? Share it with your friends on Facebook And Follow Us on Twitter @lifestylegist FOLLOW US ON OUR BBM CHANNEL C002A9544 FOR LATEST GIST.
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