2. Their attempts at growing a beard. Not all beards are created equal, but even if a guy can grow about five unconnected tufts of hair, he will still get angry when you make fun of it. Whether he's growing a playoff beard, participating in Movemeber, or just inspired by Nick Offerman, a guy will get upset when the quality of his facial hair is challenged. Outliers to this rule are anyone who can grow a beard like Gerard Butler.
3. Their favorite old t-shirt. We're talking their old high-school football shirt that is starting to fall apart but you can't throw away. There might just be one, their might be an entire drawer full, but God help you if you throw any of them away or turn them into a cleaning rag. These things are basically a second skin.
4. Their car. A man's car might as well be a sibling: they can talk bad about it, but no one else ever can. It might be missing a hub cab, fail every emissions test ever, or have hoarder-level piles of junk weighing down the bumper, but this is what gets them around. Every guy wants to think he's Steve McQueen in Bullitt, even if he's driving a Kia Rio.
5. The weird pile of dirty socks in their room. They might have a pile of dirty socks so dense that it makes you wonder if it's even possible to wear that many pairs of socks in a lifetime. Leave it be. Unless you live together, it's best not to question what's under that sock pile, because it might be a skeleton or something.
6. Their browsing history on PornHub. When a man needs to ejaculate in the safety of his own home, all bets are off. Weird things happen when you've got an erection, and a man's personal fervor should answer to no one. When you go down the pornography rabbit hole, there's no telling where you end up. Never confront a man about his masturbatory expeditions; it's like cornering a hungry bear.
7. Their insistency on cracking their knuckles every 5 minutes. "Weird," "gross," and "habit" don't even belong on a Venn diagram together. Men will continue with their habits even if their doctor literally tells them its bad for them.
8. Using the same towel to clean themselves off for weeks at a time. If you're clean when you get out of the shower, and the towel dries you off, how does the towel get dirty? Don't bring up bacteria and mildew, that has no place in this discussion.
9. Their favorite cargo shorts. Are you really going to argue against pants that can store an unprecedented amount of objects in them and manage to keep everything accessible? You will lose every time. Cargo shorts might not be as fashionable as skinny jeans, but you're never going to have to wedge your hand into a pair of cargo shorts and fish around for your keys for 30 seconds.
10. The existence of aliens. First off, aliens are totally real. Just throwing that out there. Second, all the crazy people defending the existence of Big Foot and the Loch Ness monster that only air during the History Channels off-hours are men. Then they'll cut to one woman who is an actual scientist who very politely explains why these animals can't exist in nature, but the crux of her argument could basically be summarized by, "why are you bothering me with this shit?"
11. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back or Die Hard being the best feature films of all time. We'll see your Gone With the Wind and raise you giant quadrapedal mechs that fire lasers, duels with laser swords, Boba Fett, and one of the best movie twists of all time. What does that other movie have? Wind?
12. Their childhood friend Boomer who is 30 and can still proudly fit his whole fist in his mouth. Blood is thicker than water, but the bonds you forge making paper airplanes in Miss Kessler's third grade class are also thicker than water apparently. Some of a man's childhood friends might grow up to be complete morons, but you don't abandon your childhood friends.
13. Their old baseball caps. Listen, if a guy has a lucky hat, or a hat his grandpa gave him, or just a hat that's been around a while, a man will wear that hat until it literally falls apart. Not like, it gets sort of worn. It has to disintegrate on top of his head. This is ancient law. Also, do not steal a man's hat and wear it unless you are either A) best friends or B) actively having sexual intercourse.
14. Their insistence on getting a haircut that is just getting their hair cut as short as possible. This is the ideal mancut: a haircut that allows one to avoid going back to the barber for as long as possible. Style goes out the window if you can cross "getting a haircut" off your to-do list for the next 6 months. Also, even if you need a haircut, you can just slap the baseball cap from Number 13 on your head and coast for at least another week.
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