1. Everyone watches the bride-to-be open a bunch of presents. It's like a child's birthday party. The bride is always in a rocking chair when this happens.
2. Everyone plays weird games. Guess stuff about the bride! Play bingo or whatever so everyone can prove their friendship and justify why they were invited to the wedding! M.A.S.H.?
3. Everyone talks about how much they love the bride. This just happens throughout the day. If you say anything bad about the bride, you get shanked with a crocheting needle, prison-style, and no one ever talks about it again.
4. The maid of honor busts out some kind of slideshow or scrapbook. Everyone loses their shit like they've never seen pictures before. If the MoH is hardcore, it's a video tribute she made in iMovie.
5. Someone gives a dildo as a gift by accident. This was on an episode of That '70s Show, so I'm assuming this always happens. People need to bone up on their dildo etiquette and learn when it's OK to gift dildos.
6. There's cake. Maybe cupcakes? There's probably some kind of hors d'oeuvres or cheese platter but then everyone goes right to the cupcakes because why not?
7. All of the food is tiny. There are tiny sandwiches you know you can eat daintily in one bite, but everyone will look at you disapprovingly if you do. Stuff like chips and salsa is right out. Everything you eat must be able to fit inside a teacup. And that teacup was designed for a pixie.
8. Guests are not allowed to buy gifts from the wedding registry. Maybe? I imagine everything is really sentimental: knit scarves, personalized photos and frames, and heirloom dildos.
9. You invite mostly old people. The bridal party comes too, but this is your chance to invite people who aren't going to go out for the bachelorette party and scream, "YOLO!" on top of a bar while doing tequila shots out of penis-shaped glasses. At the bridal shower, everyone sits around and drinks tea and coffee out of penis-shaped china.
10. The bride's mom gives a speech. It's all about how much she loves her daughter and how she's really proud that she's marrying an accountant.
11. The bride's Instagram feed blows up. There are pictures of the bride posing with all her gifts and toasting everything. And everyone feels obligated to like the pictures even though the party looks pretty lame.
12. There might be crafts. Maybe everyone helps put together the centerpieces for the wedding? It's bribing your friends to work for you with cake and mimosas.
13. Everyone gets gift bags and throws them out immediately upon getting home. Another reason this is basically a birthday party for a fifth-grader: Everyone gets a gift bag at the end. I don't know what's in there, though. Candles?
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