My husband and I have been having some intimacy issues for quite some time now. We haven’t had sex in over three months. The other night, I caught him masturbating while chatting with another woman online. I was shocked to look over at the screen and see him telling this woman all about how he’d like to make passionate love to her, as well as some other explicit things. Even though they have not had physical contact or met face-to-face (at least as far as I know) he has been engaging in this type of activity without my knowledge. He promised me that he’s merely acting out his fantasies, but I feel completely deceived.
Do you consider engaging in cybersex the same as infidelity? How should I go about all of this?
Humiliated and Hurt, Looking for Answers
Dear Humiliated,
Infidelity is infidelity.
Although the term “cheating” may mean different things to different people, it still involves a betrayal of trust.
Your husband’s engagement in cybersex without your knowledge is just a short step to taking cheating to the next level and can wreak the same kind of havoc as you coming home to find lipstick on the collar of his work shirt. Think of it as a snowball effect: Initially, he probably didn’t set out to be dishonest and cheat, but cybersex is known to be incredibly addictive. Sometimes what begins as an online flirtation can build to cybersex, which can then lead to a full-blown affair.
Typically, curiosity, lack of communication, and boredom are all to blame for online affairs blooming in the first place. But the lack of physical contact and face-to-face meetings does not diminish the magnitude of the deceit.
It’s important to note that cybersex is not simply a conversation about sex. It is actually a sexual encounter that has a high degree of psychological reality and often times involves sexual arousal, masturbation, satisfaction and orgasm. Such affairs are highly emotional, harmful and can be just as destructive to your marriage as a physical affair.
Any time someone spends a significant amount of intimate time with another person outside of their primary relationship, either online or off, they are breaching the intimacy rules of their relationship. It has little to do with the actual medium of communication being used. If your husband is spending hours having cybersex, or flirting with another woman, it is taking away from your relationship and his arousal pattern may soon diminish–having been replaced with those online images. What woman wouldn’t have difficulty competing with a fantasy?
While the fantasy aspect is alluring, once unleashed, the power of a cyber affair leaves partners feeling overlooked and neglected as they watch their lover’s focus switch from their relationship to one with some idealized online character.
According to Dr. Miro Gudelsky, a Manhattan-based sex therapist and relationships counselor, if your partner is engaging in cybersex there constitutes an unfaithfulness that is hurtful to the other party in the relationship. The most damaging aspect of participating in this type of an affair are the lies. If your husband is omitting a very crucial aspect of his sex life, that constitutes a lie and represents the deceptive aspect of cheating.
The biggest problem one faces in dealing with the new cybersex trend is the betrayal of trust, which can take a long time to rebuild. But just because he has been engaging in cybersex, that doesn’t mean it has to kill your marriage. Exploring the reasons why the deception occurred in the first place may be worth your time and effort.
Every couple should take the time to have discussions about what is acceptable to them and what is not and really spell out the terms. By setting new boundaries in regards to future behavior and remaining open to new possibilities the chances of successfully working through this type of infidelity increase tremendously.
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